MONDAY'S MUSINGS—IN MY MOTHER'S EYES

In my mother’s eyes, I can do anything. I’m strong, courageous, smart, and determined.

Mom tells tales of an intrepid child who was bold and daring. That child rarely took no for an answer. Any problem or obstacle she faced was merely a puzzle she would study until she found the solution.  These traits were both good and bad depending upon the circumstances in which she used them. You see, this little girl boldly explored her world (outside her yard) and her neighborhood and when one considers her neighborhood was in the middle of Washington DC, it’s a wonder her mom survived her child’s frequent and unexpected explorations. To be fair to the parents, the house and yard, where Sia lived, was totally fenced in with a tall fence and gate a tricky latch (which she couldn’t reach) which would shut once you went through it. It was easy to get locked out of her yard. What was a girl to do? She sat on the top of the steps—her mother says there were 25 concrete steps from the back gate down into the alley—and looked at her world. And then…well, she saw a cat. And that was, as they say, that. Sia loved cats and all things four legged and furry.

At that point, great care was taken to be sure there was nothing around for Sia to use to unlatch the gate. But of course, it then became a puzzle to solve. It didn’t take long to find a mop sitting outside the back door and figure out how to use to reach up and unlatch the gate. The mop handle then was very handy and could be used to not only open the gate but block the gate from shutting. There were cats to visit you see and most times she could sneak back in the yard with no one the wiser.

The cat was a contributing factor for Sia’s nickname, Houdini or ‘Dini for short because once seen it couldn’t be forgotten and where there was one furry being surely there had to be more. There were people in the neighborhood Mom and Dad didn’t know but they knew Sia and she knew them especially if they had animals.

The school across the street knew Sia, as well, because she visited whenever her mother wasn’t looking or was involved with feeding or bathing the baby brother. She wanted to play with the kids on the playground or go into the classroom with them. After a few time of that sort of escape the mop was kept in the house in a closet.

Then there was the day Sia saw the school buses dropping off kids across the street and they were laughing and playing on the playground.  There was also a broom leaning against the wall in the kitchen…

Sia was able to spend a couple of blissful hours in the classroom learning about Washington DC and the stories behind Washington Monument, which she had visited with her parents the summer before. Sia had a great time drawing stories about her visit. About the time her hysterical mother, baby in her arms, was canvassing the neighbors the teacher realized she had an extra child in her classroom. 

The principal knew Sia, too, and was able to reunite mother and daughter. Ohhh, did Sia get into major trouble with her mom and then when her dad got home…ouch.

After that there was a lock put on the gate. Another puzzle but that’s a story for another day.

My mom

Since my diagnosis, I've been trying to visit my mom each week and we speak by phone several times a week. She lives an hour away from me. This past week my older sister and I visited mom who is living with my brother now. She shared adventures of young Sia and there was lots of laughter and good natured ribbing from my sibs. Times like this fortify my strength and fighting spirit and that’s always good. 

Mom told me she was very proud of my attitude and determination in this battle. She reminded me that I’ve always had “enormous inner strength.” That made me snort in derision.

“I appreciate hearing that mom, but I gotta tell ya, lately I’ve been feeling more like a weeny with all this."

She patted my hand and smiled. "You're entitled. But honey, I KNOW you. You're going to throw those shoulders back and lift that chin of yours and walk right through the weeny and fear. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known."   

In my mother’s eyes I’m still strong, courageous, smart, and determined.

  

Some days I believe her.

MONDAY'S MUSINGS: LEFT TURN INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE

I know many of you have wondered where I’ve been and why I haven’t been posting.  I had every intention of posting after Labor Day and doing my normal blog with guests and all. Unfortunately, my life took a left turn into the twilight zone.  I cancelled my guests for September and October.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer, invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), on September 2^nd. Welcome to the sisterhood I never wanted to be a part of.  My life ceased to resemble anything normal after that.

Cancer.

It’s such a scary word when you hear someone has it and even more so when you find out you have it. Even with the cure rates, which are good if you catch it early enough, there is still an adjustment time of dealing with the word and its meaning. I can tell you that I had to face that basement of fear before I could do anything. Or tell anyone other than my husband.

I found a lump the third Wednesday in August. Being one who is very aware of her body I knew something was wrong inside but not exactly what. I had been pondering over what it could be. In fact I dreamed I had cancer several days before I found the lump. I think my subconscious mind was scanning and analyzing what was going on inside. It’s done it before and has been rather accurate when it does. 

My husband confirmed that no, it wasn’t my imagination, there was a lump. He was half asleep at the time and I assure you after he checked, at my request, he no longer was drowsy.  “Oh my God, there’s a lump here. You need to get this checked out.”

“I will. I’m going in Tuesday for a mammogram.” I kept it cool and easy when inside I was anything but calm. My heart was pounding. I didn’t even try to downplay it by saying it’s probably nothing because I suddenly knew, for a certainty, it was something.

I had my mammogram August 25^th and sure enough, there it was as clear as daylight. I always look at the scans when I have them done and I watch the techs. The tech’s wide eyed look was the only reaction she showed. If I hadn’t been watching her closely I wouldn’t have even noticed. She looked up at me and said, ‘you knew there was a growth, didn’t you?”   

Sure did and I had gotten to know it quite well in 6 days.

I told my sisters, first, because they are incredible women and I knew I needed them on my team. By this time I had already walked right through fear and assemble my battle gear and got my mind into battle mode. I knew I was gearing for the battle of my life. I needed, as any who fight cancer, a strong support team so I could kick ass. I had and have no intention of taking any prisoners or being taken.

   

I saw my doctor two days after the mammogram and had a biopsy on the first of September and the confirmation by the second. It was at least 1.8 centimeters by 2 centimeters. The doctor wasn’t sure whether it was still stage 1 or in the beginning of stage two. It ended up being stage 2, grade 2 and HER2 positive which is a protein based and not hormone based and it wasn’t there two years ago.

Although my local breast center was good I opted to go to Cancer Treatment Centers of America and the Midwestern facility in Zion, just outside of Chicago, for treatment. One of the considering factors was that particular center has been awarded Breast Cancer center of excellence. Not many breast centers achieve that distinction and there are only about 50 in the United States.

It’s been 18 days today since the tumor was removed. I still tire easily and don't have as much stamina but I'm healing and in pretty good spirits, over all. Just taking it slow and steady. 

Pathology reports are good. It hadn’t yet spread to the lymph nodes and is nowhere else in my body, yay. I go in for my first infusion of chemo November 6^th. At this point I will be receiving 4 cycles of chemo and perjeta and then a year of herceptin. I have no idea how I will react to all that and it differs from person to person. I’m a bit of a weeny contemplating it. I can honestly say, I wish I didn’t have to do this part and of course I can say no, but I don’t want to have to face this again so yes, I will throw back my shoulders and lift my chin and do it.

I do reserve the right to be to whine, be wimpy, and weak now and then. 

The cure rate for this cancer is excellent and I’ve met and spoken with many who have been cancer free for 5 years, several who are celebrating 10 years and two fabulous ladies that marked year 13 and 15. Very encouraging.

Life doesn’t come with guarantees. We all die at some point or another but as Gandalf says, in the Lord of the Rings, “…All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” 

I don’t choose to waste that time or live in fear.

“A day may come when the courage of men fails… but it is not THIS day.”
– Aragorn

I’m not sure what my posting schedule will be the rest of this year. I'd like to try Monday Musings, at least, depending on how I feel. We’ll see.

MONDAY MUSINGS: UNPLUGGING FROM THE COMPUTER AND PLUGGING INTO LIFE

This past three days I’ve unplugged from my computer. In fact, this is the first day I’ve been back on the computer since Friday. I was surprised with my sense of reluctance to even turn on the computer today. I don’t even want to know how many emails I have. I’ll look later.

  

We used the time to go a few places we’ve wanted to explore. Nothing spectacular. We chose to follow our curiosity with a few day trips. It was a beautiful weekend for driving. When we drive someplace together we also do a lot of talking and that might start out with family happenings, work, and then branches out into all sorts of interesting topics. My husband is well read and has many interests, as do I, and he’s a good conversationalist. I love those times when we can talk about all sorts of things. Saturday and Sunday, we spent the morning out and about and the afternoons and evening watching movies I haven’t had the time to see. I finally got to see the second Captain America movie, which I loved. A lot of action and suspense and it was good to see Robert Redford back in the movies and in a good role. 

This morning has been filled with ticking off a couple of projects that need to be done here at the McKye household. Later this afternoon is cleared for baking. I’m making bread and saving enough extra dough (to be stored in the fridge) for cinnamon caramel pull-apart bread for later in the week. Yummy stuff!

I know I need to unplug from the computer more often and plan on doing so more this summer. I’ll be around, but not as much. We have lots of things we want to do, both projects here at home and places to see. I need to take some time off from the ball and chain that is my computer and concentrate on some of the simple pleasures in life. Taking time to savor the small adventures and break away from the fog of ennui. You know living and experiencing life rather than intellectualizing it via computer. 

I’ll see you again for IWSG on Wednesday. 

I hope you take some time, as I will be, to smell the roses and explore and appreciate your corner of the world. Have a great week!