Monday, October 13, 2014

MONDAY MUSINGS: WHEN THE CASTLE SHUTS DOWN



This has been an odd year for me. I've had a tragedies and triumphs, but then so have many. I've noticed a bit of apathy in my court. Don’t know if it’s a result of losing my oldest brother or wrecking my shoulder or numerous battles I've had to wage over the past few years, but I seem to have lost my give a damn somewhere. I've kind of shut down the castle, pulled up the drawbridge, closed the main gate and pulled down the portcullis. I have retreated to the Keep. And though you may not see them there are armed guards in place to protect my privacy and person.

I’m somewhat reclusive to begin with but even more so now. That’s not to say that the Great Hall hasn't had feasting now and then because it has. My creativity seems to be focused on refurbishing the inner castle. You know, defenses, new tapestries and wall sconces, improving the kitchens, redoing of the sleeping chambers. Inside the curtain walls of the castle the gardens thrive the orchards, well, not so much but there are replacement trees, which will bear fruit in a couple of years. Some of the livestock have been reduced and areas planned for other types for the larder. 

The bringing in of coin to the castle, at least on my part, is done from inside the castle on a daily basis. This is both good and bad because there is no need to leave the Keep or inner Castle walls to accomplish that. Good because when the winter winds blow and the snow piles up coin will still come in. There has been a lot of extra training to concentrate on to accomplish that and it takes up a lot of
time but it’s all good. 

In my office I have numerous scrolls of legends and tall tales but I've had no desire to open them or contribute anything to them at the present, which is odd. At least for me. I will admit to some stirrings of interest in that direction but not quite ready to actively take them up. That may change as those cold winds blow and the snow falls and the characters left behind become more insistent. Or the new ones demand life. For now I’m comfortable pursuing the writings of others.

Seasons come and go. Life moves forward. No doubt things will change and I won’t feel the need to hunker down behind the walls. I do know it’s not good to keep the castle closed up indefinitely either for the Laird or the castle folk. And it’s not that I’m unhappy or overly blue or sad. I’m content, at least for now. I am aware of a subscript, out of sight, running inside my brain. We'll see what conclusions it produces.  

In the spring perhaps I'll let down the drawbridge and lift the portcullis.

Who knows?






20 comments:

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I have always felt that there is an ebb and flow in times like these. You have been through a lot this year, my friend. I think sometimes we go into reclusive states to heal :)

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I've had difficulty finding my motivation lately also and know the cause. I've been forcing things but it's not working so great. Hope you find that muse hiding behind a tapestry somewhere.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

If I didn't have to leave my castle, I wouldn't.
And you might not feel inspired in the area of writing, but that was beautifully written.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Keith, I have been through a lot the last couple of years. Battles are tiring. And you're right, there are times we retreat to heal and decide the next road to take. :-)

Susan, forcing things will get stuff done it does come at a cost. You have the pay the piper at some point. My dragon muse has been fluttering his wings and the tapestries do ripple now and then. Could be an errant breeze, but then I'm not quite ready to get up and investigate.

Alex--Thank you.
Most of my life, my castle has been my favorite place. Even when I wander out and about, I love coming home and dropping the iron bar on the front door. :-) I actually enjoy working from home.

Jemi Fraser said...

We're having a tough year/time too and I love that analogy. I've withdrawn into myself and my family as well - and that's a good place to heal

L.G. Smith said...

Gosh, I've been feeling exactly the same way. Not really depressed or anti-social necessarily, just feeling the need to hide behind walls for awhile. Very relatable post for me. :)

cleemckenzie said...

Every once in a while, pulling in that drawbridge is the wisest thing you can do.

Send up some doves from the tower when you're ready to let it down again.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

This happens to me too at times. It seems that you have good reason to retreat into your fortress for awhile, and that when the time comes, you'll be ready to venture forth again. Me -- I worry about my need to retreat when there isn't much reason to do so, nothing I can put my finger on. But maybe that's the wrong attitude.

We should all be allowed to hole up in the fortress when we need to, whether there's an outside reason or not. As long as we plan on opening the gates eventually. :)

Carol Kilgore said...

I think everyone can relate to those feelings, Sia. The fortunes of life come and go. The bad times let us appreciate the good all the more. Take your time. You'll know when it's right to lower the drawbridge.

Jo said...

Had to giggle, assume you mean sconces, not scones?? Alex said it, beautifully written, conjured up a lot of pictures for me anyway.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Jemi it is a good place to heal and to take stock. I've always had a love of castles although I'll be the first to admit I wouldn't want to live in one from the Norman times in cold weather, lol!

Luanne--Glad it touched a chord with you. Sometimes hiding behind the walls for awhile is a good thing. I'm still eyeing those scrolls but I've learned to recognize when to withdraw and when to move forward.

Lee--I'll send out the doves with colored ribbons, :-)

Dianne--Yep. Especially in today's rushed world there times we need to step off the wild carousel and shut up the fortress for awhile. The quiet helps you think. I agree, we all should be allowed to do so when we feel the need.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Carol--yes, I'm taking my time and I do plan on lowering the drawbridge again. As far as good times, I can appreciate them without the bad times, lol!

Jo--LMAO! I didn't catch that and yes the scones are on a serving plate with some good black tea, do join me, and the new sconces are on the walls.

Thank you for your kind words and your friendship, my dear.

Natalie Aguirre said...

I really enjoyed reading this. And I can relate on so many levels. It's okay when we're not as inspired, whatever the reason.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Natalie--I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I imagine you can relate. Inspiration. Yah, it comes from an emotional touchstone, at least for me it does. Right now the emotions are also battened down. But inspiration shows up when it does. In the past I worked through it but the inclination isn't there right now. I'm okay with that. I know it will come back and meantime I'm content. :-)

mshatch said...

I have to say this hit a nerve for me, too. I've felt more apathetic this year than ever before. I wish I had a castle I could retreat to.

Crystal Collier said...

I totally understand. I had a shut-down stage about four years ago. Still struggling to get back open after being shut off for a long season...but we accomplish what we set our minds to, right? Here's to unique seasons and pushing forward.

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Sia - just sometimes we need time away and time to do other things, think new thoughts, see new vistas .. and renew and replenish ..

Delightfully told about sticking inside your castle walls .. it's fine - we'll see you around as and when .. and it's been a rough year .. your brother and your shoulder - the shoulder was a shock as it's so limiting .. though your brother must have hit really badly - I feel for you and the family, especially his ...

With thoughts - and cheers Hilary

L. Diane Wolfe said...

I kind of feel the same way now. I'm trying to force myself to venture out now and then.

Julie Flanders said...

I have to second Alex's comment - this was a beautifully written piece. I have been feeling the same way lately, sometimes life just gets in the way I think.

Johanna Garth said...

As all the other commenters said, I think this is natural. I definitely ebb and flow on social media. Sometimes I just need to retreat into my fiction without any interruption.