Wednesday, September 3, 2014

IWSG: EVER FELT LIKE A FRAUD?




Have you ever felt like a fraud? It’s a feeling I've been wrestling with the past few months.

I've written and told stories all my life. I've always had a project in progress. My creative mind usually leaps forward with more ideas than I have time to put on paper. This past couple of years I've not been as…active. So many other things, emotional and physical, have had to take precedence and by the time I deal those things writing just isn't the smooth flowing joy it has been. It’s become a chore and god knows I have wagon of chores and I cringe at another. I've never looked at my creative writing like that. A chore. *Shakes my head in dismay  

It's not to say I haven't written anything because I write a lot of things but majority is non-fiction and work oriented. Not the same thing. As far as creative writing most of it has been poetry which is a great way to put emotions into order, or so I've always felt.

I've had writing friends who've ridden me about stories I've written and why aren't I doing something with them. Bless their hearts, they mean well. They’re trying to motivate me, encourage me. I've done the same for them. Yes, I like the fact they've enjoyed reading my work and they feel it’s worth pursuing but…how do you tell them you just don’t feel like writing?  How do you say I look at this series and go meh? I can encourage others. I critique stories and proposals. I can crack the whip over them but I can’t seem to get ME going again. To find that inner fire. I feel like a fraud.

I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Haven’t found all the answers. I have had some creative ideas and those ideas were strong enough to shake me out of my…apathy? At least they excited me enough that I wrote a brief summary down and one is dancing around in my head where they usually play for awhile before making it to the writing stage. I consider that progress. I know part of the problem is finding that groove in time that belongs only to my muse and me. The other part is I’m chained to my computer so many hours in the course of the day the last thing I want to do is sit longer—I just want to escape. My schedule is so caddywumpus right now that I haven’t found that fun time for creating. I know I need to find it because I feel amputated without it.

My conclusion, after thinking about all this for some time, is I have to find a spot in my schedule that again belongs only to writing. Give myself permission to let go of everything for that time and just settle in and do. If I need to be away from my computer, and I do, then there is always a notebook and a pen. I can write anywhere, right? 

I’m working on it. J



19 comments:

Natalie Aguirre said...

Can so relate to this. With how crazy my life has been this year, I just haven't had time to write except for blog posts. I'm looking forward to having more time after this Fall but as I'm reinventing my life, I'm finding that writing will be a part of it, but that there will be other worthwhile things I want to do that will take time away from it. And that's okay.

Mason Canyon said...

Sometimes finding that time for yourself - to write and express yourself - is hard with our hectic lives. You've had a lot going on these past few months, but it sounds like the muse is getting restless and wants to play again. Sounds like you're on the path to creating again.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You're not a fraud - you've just had a rough year.
Find the joy again. Writing miserable is no fun.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Great self analysis. I hope your plan works. I go through short periods of 'blah' too.

Melissa said...

You're not a fraud, your just going through a rough season. It's got to be hard when your regular job is computer work and writing, too. Hang in there. You'll find your spark again.

IWSG #179 until Alex culls the list again.

Melissa said...

Better yet, maybe you need to give yourself permission to take a break from the creative stuff. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and all that. ;)

Al Diaz said...

I think I visited that brick wall not long ago. It is really important that we don't feel a task like something we must do. When we lose the joy and fun of an activity, we impair creativity as well. Dragon hugs!

Julie Flanders said...

When I saw the title of your post I immediately answered "Almost every day" in my head! I guess we've all been there.
I hope your plan works for you and you are soon back to reveling in your writing again. Sometimes life definitely gets in the way. Take care!

Kat Sheridan said...

I totally know this feeling. It's been a year since I've felt really up to writing. Dabbled here and there, but I do miss it. We can do it. Just gotta make the time until it becomes a habit. Good luck!

Michael Di Gesu said...

WOW, Sia,


I know EXACTLY how you feel... I haven't written any of my stories in MANY, MANY months...

Yes, I create, covers, blurbs, write posts, and spin a tale from time to time on my blog, but to me it's just fluff... nothing meaty. Nothing I feel is 'real' writing.

You are NOT alone. Always remember we are hear and we TOTALLY understand. I think EVERY writer in the course of their lives goes through this slump. It may happen several times over the course of years.

Try to get out into nature. Be around fun places and people. At least you have good friends poking you to DO IT... but at times alone time with the beauty of nature can be so inspiring. If I recall you live in a stunning surrounding. Watch the birds, squirrels, butterflies.... It's such a magical dance of nature....

Sending you a HUGE cyber hug.....

Yolanda Renee said...

It has been an odd, odd year so far, and I can totally relate. Health issues kept me from writing, my brain was completely fried, and I thought I'd never get back to it, but yes there have been times I just simply didn't want to do it. Questioned my desires, goals, all of it, but that's just part of the journey!
Walk away, go to the beach,or the mountains, re-decorate your room, your office, work in the garden. Do something creative in a whole other arena. But don't stress, if it's not fun - don't do it?

When writing isn't fulfilling, it's definitely time for a break!
Wishing you nothing but the best!

Besides if your muse is on vacation, isn't it the best time for you to breakout and party too?

~Sia McKye~ said...

Natalie--I hear you on crazy. Seems to describe my life as well. Wishing you the best on reinventing life and having some fun too!

MASON--Yes, hectic does interfere. Sometimes it's all you can do to take care of what HAS to be done.

ALEX--It HAS been a rough year. I'm looking for the joy again. And Thank you. :-)

~Sia McKye~ said...

SUSAN--I think all writers go through blah times. :-) I had to analyze because I have to figure out out to get back to the fun and joy of playing with my muse. That's for my sanity.

MELISSA--Very rough when the job is all computer and phone. It zaps you. Sometimes the idea of being at the computer one more minute is more than I can handle. I can't multi-task but I find it harder now to do all that AND write creatively. I have given myself a break but...I still kick myself. lol!

~Sia McKye~ said...

AL--LOL! I think I saw you there at the brick wall. Being tired and having a schedule that isn't settled yet doesn't help. At least with a set schedule and no insane 50hr training with a deadline, allows one to find that me and the muse time. Thank you, dear dragon, for hugs. They're the BEST!

JULIE--ain't it the truth? I'm working on taming the hectic life.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Ah, KAT. I love ya! Yes, that describes it--dabbling. I figure if I can get my schedule back to something workable with my life and creative side it will help. Truth is, with all the crap from last year's government reductions I've had to work far more than I'm used to just so we can catch up and get ahead. Economic times suck right now.

~Sia McKye~ said...

MICHAEL-- you're a doll. Thank you for the hugs--love them!

Yes, I do need the infusion of being in nature just to soothe the mind and calm the spirit.

I hear you on the "fluff vs productive writing.

YOLANDA--OH, definitely my health has play havoc with my creativity. Ditto with getting back into my job. I've not neglected my creative side I just have been more physically creative with garden and cooking and such. A bit of poetry here and there and artwork. It helps but I'm missing the writing. Thank you for the encouragement.

~Sia McKye~ said...

I will get to your ISWG posts over the next couple of days.

Right now I've working against a big deadline and 2 days left to complete the technical course work. So, every spare moment has been neck deep into that.

cleemckenzie said...

I've read at least four posts with the same message. My response is, "Me, too."

Here's to carving out the time you want to enjoy creating stories and feeling good about it.

readwriteandedit said...

Sia, I think it happens to many writers, especially those who write hours a day as well as work at other jobs. It simply feels like all work, all the time.

But once you get back to creating, to feeding yourself with what floats your boat, you'll be beating yourself up for not returning sooner. Singers have to sing. Dancers have to twirl. And writers have to create worlds and work their characters through problems. I'm not saying that it's easy to get back into the writing, only that once you do, you'll start to feel better and wonder what took you so long to return to something you love so much.

Here's hoping that return is soon.

Beth